Exam, Essay and Exothermia

Way back 1993 I was tackling a midterm examination in General Systematics, for all of you who doesn't know the subject, its all about naming animals, classifying them into phylum, family, class and ultimately to the species level. This is one of my waterloo subjects back then aside from my traditionally hated math based science subjects like Optics and Mechanics and Miss Bucotots Algebra.

Honestly I never ever passed any single quiz or test that Miss Vitug gave us in her Gen. Systematics class despite me memorizing all those silly sounding scientific names for example Chanos chanos from the family chanidae which we simply know as "BANGUS" (milkfish). It is not of course Miss Vitugs fault as then I could find no fault on her, she is prolific and one of the better prof we have then.

Having to desperately pass that subject as it was one of my major subjects then, I went to the University library borrowed a couple of 4 books related to the subject and read them ala "komiks" style (fast reading without comprehension) to distinguished from most of my classmates who would actually highlight the main points elaborated in the book, with their ever infamous STABILLO Highlighter (mind you most of my classmates have the habit of highlighting almost all the contents of the book until all words inscribed in it is decorated with different shades mostly yellow, green and pink, that at times you get confused if your still reading a science book or a coloring book, whatever it is.)

Frankly I never bothered buying a stabillo highlighter then cause I don't have a personal book to highlight, most of my books are old edition release borrowed from the library and if I buy a highlighter then, it will eat up almost half of my allowance (baon) for the day which is only 30 pesos. I need to budget my money during those time as I am always skint my jeepney fare would cost me 5 pesos for the day, my tricyle fare would be 10 pesos, my lunch will be round 10 pesos and I will be left with a 5 peso savings, that I will keep throughout the week so that on a friday I could go out with mates to watch movie or just stay on the ruins of Intramuros all throughout the night watching the stars in the clouds and looking at the buzzling traffic jam of Manila, while we are snacking with "Lala" (pork crackles) and soft-drinks in the bottle and chatting boisterously with profound to ludicrous topics ranging from our dreams and aspirations to the trivial ones of who amongst our classmates have halitosis (bad breath).

My love for chatting with friends, going to cinemas, and just wasting time probably contributed to my failures in Miss Vitug's exams, confounded by the fact that I never like the hard sciences, in fact I'm more interested with the social sciences, I got a whooping perfect score in Philosophy, Philippine History and the likes. Mainly history appeals to me, as when I'm reading history, its like reading a "Komiks" which I'm quite used to and it tells a story, unlike the hard sciences, where you have to know a lot of details such as for example how many membranes enclosed a lysosomes, what is the function of this and that, appreciate organelles that you don't even see with your bare eyes, memorizing bird songs. Whats the point.

The exact point is, you need to get done and over with this subjects in order to get through graduation so you can apply to medical school which is then almost 99% of us want to do, or have to do, whatever the motivation is.

Come midterm exam in our class in systematics, Miss Vitug handed the examination papers, I was aghast while doing my preliminary reading on it. I only identified probably 10-15 questions I surely know,on the the exam consisting of 100 solid questions. God knows all the rest of the question other than the sure ones i have I dont have the faintest clue , im not sure, if it even existed.

Miss Vitugs exam is quite tricky it employs the fish and feather matching type where there is three columns of items and you will relate the first column to the second and ultimately to the third. If you fail to get it right on the second column you are already doomed not to get the third one. In short this exam is a killer for those who did not study very well, like me who just did it shabbily. But my saving grace was probably the bonus essay question at the bottom, its a question about ecology, environment and extinction of rare species which of course I am really passionate about. I made good on the exam trying to extract all the information from my idle brain, which is literally like extracting blood out from a turnip. I also managed to write an essay a lengthy one as such to add up for my short comings on the exams.

When I submitted my exam to Miss Vitug, I was even ashamed to show my face to her, as I know I will end up to have the lowest mark on that exam . I forgot to mention my batch is a is very competitive group, 3/4 of the class graduated valedictorian in high school, all the rest are salutatorians, honorable mentions and a few who just graduated and the name never mention except during the distribution of the high school diploma who were just very lucky to get into the program.

Ah exam is over after the major subjects is finished because we will have a one week vacation and I can spend it all day watching television and doing virtually nothing. Two weeks passed, and back to Miss Vitugs Systematics class, everyone is nervous about the results of the exam lo and behold she is giving the exams according to the results, calling the first who got the highest score. Its like a walk of fame and shame. Fame if you happen to score high and shame if you are at the bottom list.

The people she called first was seemingly expected but I got the surprise of my life, when she called my name on the middle of the bunch. Mind you on the middle not on the bottom list.+
Was it some sort of a miracle? I said to myself, indeed it was a miracle because I passed the exam and the essay I wrote contributed to my success as she gave a perfect score to it and added additional points that tip off the balance for me to pass the exam.

One of my boisterous classmate Julius Perida announced by shouting "Wow, Paul na-perfect mo essay question ni Miss Vitug" (wow, Paul's perfected Miss Vitug's essay), to me it was like getting the highest score, because never in the history of all the quizzes, long test and mid-term exam Miss Vitug ever gave a perfect score to an essay, let alone giving another few points as bonus points for a job well done. I kept that test results for a long time its a testament of a little miracle for me in my under graduate years. Its a reminder for me not to panic in desperate times, not even during examinations. Sometimes wits and talent might save the day, though not very often.

I want to share another essay to you by another lucky student: This is very timely as its almost ALL SAINTS DAY

The following is supposedly an actual question given on University ofWashington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave, therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will goto Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate ofchange of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman Year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being,which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

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