I need to say some things. I’d really like it if you can listen.
1.) Signing yourself up for a lifetime of Greek holidays is never a bad thing.
2.) Throughout my travels (and technically I still am travelling), I realized that I am fully prepared to live a life of solace and hard work if I couldn’t have you. I know these are bold words but what you’re doing is such a huge statement that I thought you should know. For a while I have been living a somewhat shielded life-- guided in knowing that I hold a bit of safety; guarded by a sense of stability that I think resides either with you, or with what I learned and saw of myself from you (and I hope it’s the latter). But the essence, the strong, focal, moral (if you will) compass that has guided me through some of the more trying and isolated times in my life (in the past two years) is you. It probably can be interpreted as slightly pathetic but it certainly provided me with a sense of courage and foundation when I found myself surrounded in the chaotic or discomfort of the general things that I didn’t like or cared to indulge in. Needless to say you have yet to escape my everyday thoughts, compounded only by the explosion of facebook as a diary of social norm, attached to our daily existence in the way one checks email or carries a cell phone. And for me still carries with it a vivid memory of which has been difficult to efface. It is a double-edged sword but not all of pain, also of guilty pleasure. It sucks I hate it.
3.) I also must say that you have been a piss-poor friend, most especially when I was facing a difficult time of settling in
London. It certainly reminded me of my reasons for parting with you. Keep in mind also that what allows me to write this to you comes from your own words said at a time when you were already with your current love. You may not remember but I think the last time was shortly after you came back from your two-week holiday stay in Tunisia, where you said “it was boring;” followed by the “I miss you,” and of your feelings where “it comes and it goes”. Yet I did sense a change of feeling when you visited his family, a bond I’m sure that was strengthened further when you were having a difficult time settling in
Switzerland. I cannot paint a picture for you of my grim experiences in my first months in
London, and I was slightly bothered when I told you this and you lightly passed on knowing that the city is said to be among the loneliest in the world. I remember vividly thinking, “why couldn’t you tell me this when I was deciding/stressing between
Manchesterand
London.” I was definitely bothered when you said that. However, the sense of control, ease and comfort that I feel now is a complete 180 to what I felt before (and Im not an idiot, im not just complaining, it certainly was difficult, and I think you can slightly relate) is really good to see and experience; and it reveals to me that our existence is nothing but a continuous development, marked significantly by the choices we make and the lives we touch (this is partly what allows me to think about living a life of comfort in solace and hardwork). I realize know that my mentality at the time we finally
parted, of thinking that choosing to be with someone is a distant second over careers or dreams, I think is slightly fruitless, especially when the things you want, and those you want, tend to diverge at every direction. Though I don’t at all disagree that we needed to be apart, you needed to be with someone else. This is my own doing, and this I know.
4.) I always wonder what I would say or do if ever our paths cross again. It ranges, but I think the most powerful thing I can say, is “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for making you feel in the way that I did on those times that I did. I’m sorry for making you feel less of your own, and I’m really sorry, if ever I did, of making you feel like less of a person. I’m sorry for the times I lied, or the things that I did that caused you to act in the way that you did. I know I was partly responsible. I was jealous and out of place. At one point I was really hoping that you’d get a chance to see this new me that has evolved, or developed, into something else but I know now that that probably just lies as a figment of my imagination hampered by that grim reality in knowing that while some things stay the same others lie effectively beyond our control.
5.) I’m sure its more difficult than you care to indulge and I don’t expect anything at all. However, in those moments and situations like these, all I have are words and these are my words without an inch of fabrication but certainly hidden inside, buried and difficult to muster, yet plucked like a stubborn feather refusing to let go. I find myself with so many words to say yet nothing comes out. Partly because I know I have no role or right to say or feel, yet I do and I am, and for that, if inconvenient, well…..I must say after hearing your news (though to be honest, I sensed it was coming) I find myself with my mouth open a lot yet no words come out. Just a chuckle, and a sigh and a smirk, and maybe a wince, definitely a grimace. Yet I know I cannot watch you take this step without saying my piece.
6.) You said you were weak. I tend to be bold and especially as I get older I realize that if I want things to happen, I have to make it happen. However, I also often make decisions with my eyes closed, which ironically is what led me to this point in my life and also is what is leading me to write.
7.) By the way, I’m not high, and I’m not drunk and I’m not stoned. I’m totally sober, though I did just wake up and my stomach kind of ache.
8.) If survival is Darwinian (this is the science aspect of my Msc course seeping in), then I commend her for keeping up and being with you. Though I never could, I also knew we needed to part and that we needed to change. It may be that these are just moments, and it will go away for me tomorrow or it may not…but if moments are all we’ve got, then this is the best of what I can of what I want to do.
9.) It’s a bit a long (and slightly poetic) partly because I am feeling (a bit) melancholic, but there lies no word of a lie, and it is something that I needed you to hear.
10.) I have gone as far as rationalizing in my head that life is not about “replacing anyone” but rather experiencing people. However, I still find, even in the most compromising situations, that a part of me is still closed, and I think its because of you. So I need you to tell me something…tell me how much you love that person, and end this rotting feeling that I think is poisoning my perception.
So here ends my piece, and hopefully begins my peace.
_______________________
P.S. There are still so many things I want to say to you, from the insane, to the funny to the mundane. But you can end it, if you can, then please…because I need it. I do respect you and will honor the things you say. It may also be that I give you too much credit yet it is still my choice. And it may be that this is all in the past and I need to think of my future, but I need to move and I can’t keep looking back. I let you go, right? Can you let me go, please? Like I said, signing up for a lifetime of Greek holidays is never a bad thing.
1.) Signing yourself up for a lifetime of Greek holidays is never a bad thing.
2.) Throughout my travels (and technically I still am travelling), I realized that I am fully prepared to live a life of solace and hard work if I couldn’t have you. I know these are bold words but what you’re doing is such a huge statement that I thought you should know. For a while I have been living a somewhat shielded life-- guided in knowing that I hold a bit of safety; guarded by a sense of stability that I think resides either with you, or with what I learned and saw of myself from you (and I hope it’s the latter). But the essence, the strong, focal, moral (if you will) compass that has guided me through some of the more trying and isolated times in my life (in the past two years) is you. It probably can be interpreted as slightly pathetic but it certainly provided me with a sense of courage and foundation when I found myself surrounded in the chaotic or discomfort of the general things that I didn’t like or cared to indulge in. Needless to say you have yet to escape my everyday thoughts, compounded only by the explosion of facebook as a diary of social norm, attached to our daily existence in the way one checks email or carries a cell phone. And for me still carries with it a vivid memory of which has been difficult to efface. It is a double-edged sword but not all of pain, also of guilty pleasure. It sucks I hate it.
3.) I also must say that you have been a piss-poor friend, most especially when I was facing a difficult time of settling in
London. It certainly reminded me of my reasons for parting with you. Keep in mind also that what allows me to write this to you comes from your own words said at a time when you were already with your current love. You may not remember but I think the last time was shortly after you came back from your two-week holiday stay in Tunisia, where you said “it was boring;” followed by the “I miss you,” and of your feelings where “it comes and it goes”. Yet I did sense a change of feeling when you visited his family, a bond I’m sure that was strengthened further when you were having a difficult time settling in
Switzerland. I cannot paint a picture for you of my grim experiences in my first months in
London, and I was slightly bothered when I told you this and you lightly passed on knowing that the city is said to be among the loneliest in the world. I remember vividly thinking, “why couldn’t you tell me this when I was deciding/stressing between
Manchesterand
London.” I was definitely bothered when you said that. However, the sense of control, ease and comfort that I feel now is a complete 180 to what I felt before (and Im not an idiot, im not just complaining, it certainly was difficult, and I think you can slightly relate) is really good to see and experience; and it reveals to me that our existence is nothing but a continuous development, marked significantly by the choices we make and the lives we touch (this is partly what allows me to think about living a life of comfort in solace and hardwork). I realize know that my mentality at the time we finally
parted, of thinking that choosing to be with someone is a distant second over careers or dreams, I think is slightly fruitless, especially when the things you want, and those you want, tend to diverge at every direction. Though I don’t at all disagree that we needed to be apart, you needed to be with someone else. This is my own doing, and this I know.4.) I always wonder what I would say or do if ever our paths cross again. It ranges, but I think the most powerful thing I can say, is “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for making you feel in the way that I did on those times that I did. I’m sorry for making you feel less of your own, and I’m really sorry, if ever I did, of making you feel like less of a person. I’m sorry for the times I lied, or the things that I did that caused you to act in the way that you did. I know I was partly responsible. I was jealous and out of place. At one point I was really hoping that you’d get a chance to see this new me that has evolved, or developed, into something else but I know now that that probably just lies as a figment of my imagination hampered by that grim reality in knowing that while some things stay the same others lie effectively beyond our control.
5.) I’m sure its more difficult than you care to indulge and I don’t expect anything at all. However, in those moments and situations like these, all I have are words and these are my words without an inch of fabrication but certainly hidden inside, buried and difficult to muster, yet plucked like a stubborn feather refusing to let go. I find myself with so many words to say yet nothing comes out. Partly because I know I have no role or right to say or feel, yet I do and I am, and for that, if inconvenient, well…..I must say after hearing your news (though to be honest, I sensed it was coming) I find myself with my mouth open a lot yet no words come out. Just a chuckle, and a sigh and a smirk, and maybe a wince, definitely a grimace. Yet I know I cannot watch you take this step without saying my piece.
6.) You said you were weak. I tend to be bold and especially as I get older I realize that if I want things to happen, I have to make it happen. However, I also often make decisions with my eyes closed, which ironically is what led me to this point in my life and also is what is leading me to write.
7.) By the way, I’m not high, and I’m not drunk and I’m not stoned. I’m totally sober, though I did just wake up and my stomach kind of ache.
8.) If survival is Darwinian (this is the science aspect of my Msc course seeping in), then I commend her for keeping up and being with you. Though I never could, I also knew we needed to part and that we needed to change. It may be that these are just moments, and it will go away for me tomorrow or it may not…but if moments are all we’ve got, then this is the best of what I can of what I want to do.
9.) It’s a bit a long (and slightly poetic) partly because I am feeling (a bit) melancholic, but there lies no word of a lie, and it is something that I needed you to hear.
10.) I have gone as far as rationalizing in my head that life is not about “replacing anyone” but rather experiencing people. However, I still find, even in the most compromising situations, that a part of me is still closed, and I think its because of you. So I need you to tell me something…tell me how much you love that person, and end this rotting feeling that I think is poisoning my perception.
So here ends my piece, and hopefully begins my peace.
_______________________
P.S. There are still so many things I want to say to you, from the insane, to the funny to the mundane. But you can end it, if you can, then please…because I need it. I do respect you and will honor the things you say. It may also be that I give you too much credit yet it is still my choice. And it may be that this is all in the past and I need to think of my future, but I need to move and I can’t keep looking back. I let you go, right? Can you let me go, please? Like I said, signing up for a lifetime of Greek holidays is never a bad thing.
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