7 years ago...

My greatest fear when I was a child was the death of a love one, especially my dad. In my childhood days it was a thought that I don't even bother to think, childish as it may seem I don't want to lose my dad for numerous reasons, firstly who will bring the pasalubong of pansit to us during payday, secondly who will accompany me to the cinema to watch the sequel of karate kid and superman, thirdly who will protect us and raise the family.

I am quite innocent however I know my mother can not cope up with raising all of us siblings. My father is such a strong figure in the family. To say that he is responsible is an understatement and will not be fair to the man. I have always seen my dad as Clark Kent, handsome, quite, very intelligent and when the need arises he will always be there to be superman. I remember a very stormy day when the roofings of our house was blown away by the strong winds, he went outside to fix it so that we will not be wet despite the frightening lightning and thunder, he braves all this natural oddities to ensure that we will be safe.

On my years of growing up my Dad the very typical father will go out in the house in the morning to work the whole day until night time, as he toil to provide for the family. He will always be there at around 8-9pm and whenever he arrives he will make it a point to kiss us all goodnight before we go to sleep. My father never smoke and he never drink alcohol he always believed that you do what you preach, he is indeed the perfect role model. Disagreements sometime ensues in the famiy as I always speak my mind, which sometimes appear disrespectful although not intended. My dad will always talk to me and always quick on reminding me, that if you do not have something good to say, do not say anything.

My dad for me is the best dad, he is always there for us when we needed him. He seems to have the answer to all the questions of life.

I remember it year 1999, my dad was complaining of a stomach ache and a bloating tummy. As a medical intern then I went to my senior collegues to ask for assistance with my dad's case. An x-ray and ultrasound was done on my dads stomach and my frat MD brod said to me, that it was nothing to worry about. Until my dad complained of terrible pain, which is quite unusual, because my dad rarely complains even when I was a child I never heard him complain of anything, until this time in 1999. I went to a consultant surgeon who is the husband of one of my doctor activist friend, he fashionably did a complete and thorough medical examination on my dad, and immediately he said an emergency operation is needed as my dad's intestine is severely obstructed that even his breathing is affected by the compression of the obstructed bowels to his lungs. I was dumbfounded about all the inputs I am receiving, despite having a medical degree I never entertain that my dad has something serious afflicting him.

Maybe its just a simple case of large bowel obstruction and nothing more. I was in a nasty denial.

My dad was very afraid not of his condition but the fact the he is going under the knife. He never liked his body tampered around by doctors, he requested me to come to him in the operation table so that I will be able to guard the doctors from doing anything not right on him. I know my dad never really think like this, I know he was really afraid and he just wanted me to be with him during this frightening moment.

I asked the surgeon if I could be inside the Operating Room, but instead of just being a witness to the operation, the Consultant requested me to assist him because it was an emergency case and there are no more surgical staff residents to assist him. Although then I was in my Pediatrics rotation I agreed to assist in my dads operation.

It was a long procedure, painfully slow as well, a subtotal hemicolectomy was done where a long segment of the large intestine was resected and connected together afterwards. The operation was the longest most memorable event of my entire career as a trainee doctor. After the operation I already knew the obstruction was cancer as liga clips marker was put inside the pelvic bones of my dad for radiotheraphy purposes. The operation went out really well, but inside the doctors changing room tears are flowing in my eyes, and one senior surgical resident doctors consoled me and I was like the little child that my dad use to talk to when I ask my collegues. Is it cancer? I asked him, and he said to me, you are a doctor already, and you know the answer. That reply shook my entirety, yes indeed when I assisted to operate my dad I am a doctor but after the operation I am already again back to being his son. As a son to a father you never outgrow your relationship with your father. I will always be the same kid that longs for his pasalubong, that same innocent kid that waited every year for summer beach excursion that my dad always organize, the joy ride we always do when we are going around shopping for the holidays.

My dad battle with cancer was quite short but courageous. It was a trying moment to the whole family unit. Finances is going down, we have to mortgage the house to finance the expensive medicines and hospital bills. I have to mature skillfully wise as a doctor, even if I am not allowed to do the subdural block to help ease the cancer pain, I have done it with the help of his anesthesiologist who taught me the procedure so that we do not have to go to the hospital for sedation when the cancer pain is there.

It was hard task for the rest of the family, but we all gathered what is left of our strength then to help our dad in his most vulnerable time. Until that fatefull day 7 years ago, December 2, 2000, inside Manila Doctors Hospital when my dad eventually succumbed to cancer. It was a fulfillment of my greatest fear, death of a loved one. But now I know the reason of my fear, that during my childhood I can just describe but can never pinpoint out. I thought it was the fear of losing someone who will work so that we could enjoy life, nor the fear of not getting the materials things that he can give nor the protection that he can offer. I have feared death of a loved one for the reason of LOVE and all the rest is secondary and probably not even important.

Today I remember you DAD.