wanting a meal?

व्हो इस मोरे हंगरी?

My Memorable Girl Friends (kaibigang babae)

Jeanette Imperial

(INDAY)

Philippine's best bantam weight Taekwondo

Member of the RP taekwondo team

A perfect mother and a very good daughter, my best friend

Based in Dublin, Ireland

(Claudine Barreto look alike)

Geneve Rivera

(BENG)
Doctor Activist
Secretary-General Health Alliance for Democracy
Community Organizer
A wife, a mother and a comrade
Based: Manila, Philippines
(Rock and Roller, Rakizta)



Susana Rodriguez

(Susie)

1. -Biomedical Scientist, Medical Doctor
2. -Beauty Queen (UST)
3. -Very Intelligent and witty
4. -Responsible daughter and sister still single

Based: London, UK

Suwerte ako at naging kaibigan ko ang mga babaeng ito. They are not only beautiful from the outside but also from the inside. I share a lot of fond memories with them and I miss them a lot. They are the few of the people that I remember and always make my day. I blog you girls para parati ko kayong maalala.

Heath Ledger is dead

I have always admired this australian actor since I have seen him in 10 things I hate about you, and that comedy flick which I already forgot the title where he played a commoner who joined jousting even if he is not of a royal lineage. When I learned about the news I told it to RJ who was shocked with his untimely demise. RJ being such a great fan of Heath was saddened but in a minute or so was able to compose himself and got over the news.

I find his death very theatrical and seemingly dramatic. But is quite fitting for somebody like him, whom you dont want to see old, just like probably Marilyn Monroe, Rico Yan, or James Dean. Well at least in the collective mine of his fans that is a consolation. We will always remember him young and beautiful. What an exit to this world, Death is such a drama!

7 years ago...

My greatest fear when I was a child was the death of a love one, especially my dad. In my childhood days it was a thought that I don't even bother to think, childish as it may seem I don't want to lose my dad for numerous reasons, firstly who will bring the pasalubong of pansit to us during payday, secondly who will accompany me to the cinema to watch the sequel of karate kid and superman, thirdly who will protect us and raise the family.

I am quite innocent however I know my mother can not cope up with raising all of us siblings. My father is such a strong figure in the family. To say that he is responsible is an understatement and will not be fair to the man. I have always seen my dad as Clark Kent, handsome, quite, very intelligent and when the need arises he will always be there to be superman. I remember a very stormy day when the roofings of our house was blown away by the strong winds, he went outside to fix it so that we will not be wet despite the frightening lightning and thunder, he braves all this natural oddities to ensure that we will be safe.

On my years of growing up my Dad the very typical father will go out in the house in the morning to work the whole day until night time, as he toil to provide for the family. He will always be there at around 8-9pm and whenever he arrives he will make it a point to kiss us all goodnight before we go to sleep. My father never smoke and he never drink alcohol he always believed that you do what you preach, he is indeed the perfect role model. Disagreements sometime ensues in the famiy as I always speak my mind, which sometimes appear disrespectful although not intended. My dad will always talk to me and always quick on reminding me, that if you do not have something good to say, do not say anything.

My dad for me is the best dad, he is always there for us when we needed him. He seems to have the answer to all the questions of life.

I remember it year 1999, my dad was complaining of a stomach ache and a bloating tummy. As a medical intern then I went to my senior collegues to ask for assistance with my dad's case. An x-ray and ultrasound was done on my dads stomach and my frat MD brod said to me, that it was nothing to worry about. Until my dad complained of terrible pain, which is quite unusual, because my dad rarely complains even when I was a child I never heard him complain of anything, until this time in 1999. I went to a consultant surgeon who is the husband of one of my doctor activist friend, he fashionably did a complete and thorough medical examination on my dad, and immediately he said an emergency operation is needed as my dad's intestine is severely obstructed that even his breathing is affected by the compression of the obstructed bowels to his lungs. I was dumbfounded about all the inputs I am receiving, despite having a medical degree I never entertain that my dad has something serious afflicting him.

Maybe its just a simple case of large bowel obstruction and nothing more. I was in a nasty denial.

My dad was very afraid not of his condition but the fact the he is going under the knife. He never liked his body tampered around by doctors, he requested me to come to him in the operation table so that I will be able to guard the doctors from doing anything not right on him. I know my dad never really think like this, I know he was really afraid and he just wanted me to be with him during this frightening moment.

I asked the surgeon if I could be inside the Operating Room, but instead of just being a witness to the operation, the Consultant requested me to assist him because it was an emergency case and there are no more surgical staff residents to assist him. Although then I was in my Pediatrics rotation I agreed to assist in my dads operation.

It was a long procedure, painfully slow as well, a subtotal hemicolectomy was done where a long segment of the large intestine was resected and connected together afterwards. The operation was the longest most memorable event of my entire career as a trainee doctor. After the operation I already knew the obstruction was cancer as liga clips marker was put inside the pelvic bones of my dad for radiotheraphy purposes. The operation went out really well, but inside the doctors changing room tears are flowing in my eyes, and one senior surgical resident doctors consoled me and I was like the little child that my dad use to talk to when I ask my collegues. Is it cancer? I asked him, and he said to me, you are a doctor already, and you know the answer. That reply shook my entirety, yes indeed when I assisted to operate my dad I am a doctor but after the operation I am already again back to being his son. As a son to a father you never outgrow your relationship with your father. I will always be the same kid that longs for his pasalubong, that same innocent kid that waited every year for summer beach excursion that my dad always organize, the joy ride we always do when we are going around shopping for the holidays.

My dad battle with cancer was quite short but courageous. It was a trying moment to the whole family unit. Finances is going down, we have to mortgage the house to finance the expensive medicines and hospital bills. I have to mature skillfully wise as a doctor, even if I am not allowed to do the subdural block to help ease the cancer pain, I have done it with the help of his anesthesiologist who taught me the procedure so that we do not have to go to the hospital for sedation when the cancer pain is there.

It was hard task for the rest of the family, but we all gathered what is left of our strength then to help our dad in his most vulnerable time. Until that fatefull day 7 years ago, December 2, 2000, inside Manila Doctors Hospital when my dad eventually succumbed to cancer. It was a fulfillment of my greatest fear, death of a loved one. But now I know the reason of my fear, that during my childhood I can just describe but can never pinpoint out. I thought it was the fear of losing someone who will work so that we could enjoy life, nor the fear of not getting the materials things that he can give nor the protection that he can offer. I have feared death of a loved one for the reason of LOVE and all the rest is secondary and probably not even important.

Today I remember you DAD.

I miss her...

One thing I miss this holiday is go on talking to my friends and exploring the wilderness of London with my mates Jayne is one of them. I just wanted to share the email she sent me,which I find really endearing.

Here is her email:

Dear Paul,

I was reading an excerpt from this book and it had me thinking of us, and
our lives this past three months in London, and how we met.

"Cities, unlike villages and small towns, are plastic by nature. We mould
them in our images: they, in their turn, shape us by the resistance they
offer when we try to impose our own personal form on them. In this sense,
it seems that living in a city is an art, and we need the vocabulary of art,
of style , to describe the peculiar relation between man and material that
exists in the continual creative play of urban living, The city as we
imagine it, the soft city of illusion, myth, aspiration, nightmare, is as
real, maybe more real, than the hard city one can locate in maps and
statistics, in monongraphs on urban sociology and demograpy and
architecture."

For all its ups and downs, i think the city is great and i'm even especially
grateful to have you in my life. I hope you're having a merry xmas. I'm
spending it in california finally where i arrived yesterday. I stayed a
week in South Korea and 9 hours in Beijing before arriving home. Though its
good to be back, my brother is great and everything is fine, except for
these papers, which are still a work in progress.

Miss you and again Happy holidays.

Love,
Jayne

Trip to Paris

I have always fancy going to France in particular Paris. Perhaps because there was a promise made to me by somebody that if by any chance will be able to make it to Paris in our lifetime, we will have a cup of coffee in Paris, or to be more exact a caffee mocha with whip cream on top.

But I guess promises are meant to be broken. The promise of a cup of coffee in Eiffel was dump in the bin years ago. But the promise I made to myself that if I go to Paris I will carry on drinking coffee in Eiffel no matter who I am with and no matter what the circumstances will be. Once I set my foot to Paris, I will go to Eiffel tower that is a resolution I have for years.

Yesterday that dream was realized. I went to Paris with a friend, Roberto. It was a rushy rushy spur of the moment plan that happened in an instant. I dont even have a spare shirt with me, as soon as the idea hit my conciousness, the next thing I knew I was inside the business cabin of eurostar sipping red wine and looking outside the window of the fast train that will bring me to one place I really wanted to go.

As me and Roberto hit Paris Nord we went immediately to the tube station going to Eiffel, but as a first timer in the franco-land and with barely a knowledge of French except for Bonjour Monsieur and Cest la vie I never realized its hard to get by in France without having to try to speak the language. For one we ask an information station, and sadly the man on the other end of the till barely speaks English, in fact the only English he knows is No No and No. He does not probably know any word of English except for No.

But since Robert is a frequent traveller we were able to find our way by just following our feet, and the next thing I remember, I went out of the the Tour de Eiffel station and lo and behold Eiffel Tower with all of its majesty and greatness greeted me with a BaNG!!!

After going and around Eiffel tower Obet and I got tired and we are confronted with another problem, we dont have a place to stay for the night. I just gamely told him, well might as well sleep rough on the streets of Paris which he immediately dismissed. He thought I was joking but I wasn't. When I was in Amsterdams months ago, I walked thru the whole red light district for several hours just for the fun of it. I wouldn't miss a chance of another revelry now in Paris.
Well just for convenience sake as Obet will be returning to work tomorrow I acceded to his demand of looking for a hotel to stay for the night. We went to Blanche which is the station nearest to Moulin Rouge the red light district of Paris, there we got a nice cozy room fit for our tight stingy budget. The next day we woke up early as we planned to tour the city as we will be leaving at 4pm the same day.

We went to the Church of the sacred cross which is very near Moulin Rouge but is a steep climb up a hilly land. Its was all very quick as we dont have the luxury of time we immediately descended to the place to go to Notre Dame and then to the Arc de Triomphe. The next place was Louvre where the Da Vinci Code movie was shot, and of course we just got to say Hi! to Monalisa which cost as 10 euros. The collection of Louvre was just amazing, I was in front of Venus de Milo and other masterpieces by world renowned painter and sculptor. The artistic side of me want to get out again. But then we have to hurry for our next and final destination the top of Eiffel.

I was a bit acrophobic while the lift ascending from the top of Eiffel was moving. It was just a bit nauseating. But at the top I just cant help but to be amazed of the beauty in front of me. All the stress I have been to the past weeks simply melts away. It was just 10 minutes that we have alloted ourselves for the trip to the tower of Eiffel as we need to catch our train to bring us back home.

We catch the train at the last minute, passport checks, immigration control and then we are heading back to another city, which I call home...temporarily. Next month we are heading to New York City if all plans push thru, I will meet most of my relatives there, which I have not seen for ages. My ninang and my ninong and cousins and other close relatives. The last time I have seen my cousin we were all very young and now we are all grown up in fact we are old enough to be called oldies... Yuck I hate the idea. But then what can we do.

For as long as there are cities like Paris to explore we are all young at heart...Next stop the Land of the free.

Breaking Free- XanaDU

I need to say some things. I’d really like it if you can listen.

1.) Signing yourself up for a lifetime of Greek holidays is never a bad thing.

2.) Throughout my travels (and technically I still am travelling), I realized that I am fully prepared to live a life of solace and hard work if I couldn’t have you. I know these are bold words but what you’re doing is such a huge statement that I thought you should know. For a while I have been living a somewhat shielded life-- guided in knowing that I hold a bit of safety; guarded by a sense of stability that I think resides either with you, or with what I learned and saw of myself from you (and I hope it’s the latter). But the essence, the strong, focal, moral (if you will) compass that has guided me through some of the more trying and isolated times in my life (in the past two years) is you. It probably can be interpreted as slightly pathetic but it certainly provided me with a sense of courage and foundation when I found myself surrounded in the chaotic or discomfort of the general things that I didn’t like or cared to indulge in. Needless to say you have yet to escape my everyday thoughts, compounded only by the explosion of facebook as a diary of social norm, attached to our daily existence in the way one checks email or carries a cell phone. And for me still carries with it a vivid memory of which has been difficult to efface. It is a double-edged sword but not all of pain, also of guilty pleasure. It sucks I hate it.

3.) I also must say that you have been a piss-poor friend, most especially when I was facing a difficult time of settling in
London. It certainly reminded me of my reasons for parting with you. Keep in mind also that what allows me to write this to you comes from your own words said at a time when you were already with your current love. You may not remember but I think the last time was shortly after you came back from your two-week holiday stay in Tunisia, where you said “it was boring;” followed by the “I miss you,” and of your feelings where “it comes and it goes”. Yet I did sense a change of feeling when you visited his family, a bond I’m sure that was strengthened further when you were having a difficult time settling in
Switzerland. I cannot paint a picture for you of my grim experiences in my first months in
London, and I was slightly bothered when I told you this and you lightly passed on knowing that the city is said to be among the loneliest in the world. I remember vividly thinking, “why couldn’t you tell me this when I was deciding/stressing between
Manchesterand
London.” I was definitely bothered when you said that. However, the sense of control, ease and comfort that I feel now is a complete 180 to what I felt before (and Im not an idiot, im not just complaining, it certainly was difficult, and I think you can slightly relate) is really good to see and experience; and it reveals to me that our existence is nothing but a continuous development, marked significantly by the choices we make and the lives we touch (this is partly what allows me to think about living a life of comfort in solace and hardwork). I realize know that my mentality at the time we finally parted, of thinking that choosing to be with someone is a distant second over careers or dreams, I think is slightly fruitless, especially when the things you want, and those you want, tend to diverge at every direction. Though I don’t at all disagree that we needed to be apart, you needed to be with someone else. This is my own doing, and this I know.
4.) I always wonder what I would say or do if ever our paths cross again. It ranges, but I think the most powerful thing I can say, is “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for making you feel in the way that I did on those times that I did. I’m sorry for making you feel less of your own, and I’m really sorry, if ever I did, of making you feel like less of a person. I’m sorry for the times I lied, or the things that I did that caused you to act in the way that you did. I know I was partly responsible. I was jealous and out of place. At one point I was really hoping that you’d get a chance to see this new me that has evolved, or developed, into something else but I know now that that probably just lies as a figment of my imagination hampered by that grim reality in knowing that while some things stay the same others lie effectively beyond our control.

5.) I’m sure its more difficult than you care to indulge and I don’t expect anything at all. However, in those moments and situations like these, all I have are words and these are my words without an inch of fabrication but certainly hidden inside, buried and difficult to muster, yet plucked like a stubborn feather refusing to let go. I find myself with so many words to say yet nothing comes out. Partly because I know I have no role or right to say or feel, yet I do and I am, and for that, if inconvenient, well…..I must say after hearing your news (though to be honest, I sensed it was coming) I find myself with my mouth open a lot yet no words come out. Just a chuckle, and a sigh and a smirk, and maybe a wince, definitely a grimace. Yet I know I cannot watch you take this step without saying my piece.

6.) You said you were weak. I tend to be bold and especially as I get older I realize that if I want things to happen, I have to make it happen. However, I also often make decisions with my eyes closed, which ironically is what led me to this point in my life and also is what is leading me to write.

7.) By the way, I’m not high, and I’m not drunk and I’m not stoned. I’m totally sober, though I did just wake up and my stomach kind of ache.

8.) If survival is Darwinian (this is the science aspect of my Msc course seeping in), then I commend her for keeping up and being with you. Though I never could, I also knew we needed to part and that we needed to change. It may be that these are just moments, and it will go away for me tomorrow or it may not…but if moments are all we’ve got, then this is the best of what I can of what I want to do.

9.) It’s a bit a long (and slightly poetic) partly because I am feeling (a bit) melancholic, but there lies no word of a lie, and it is something that I needed you to hear.

10.) I have gone as far as rationalizing in my head that life is not about “replacing anyone” but rather experiencing people. However, I still find, even in the most compromising situations, that a part of me is still closed, and I think its because of you. So I need you to tell me something…tell me how much you love that person, and end this rotting feeling that I think is poisoning my perception.
So here ends my piece, and hopefully begins my peace.
_______________________
P.S. There are still so many things I want to say to you, from the insane, to the funny to the mundane. But you can end it, if you can, then please…because I need it. I do respect you and will honor the things you say. It may also be that I give you too much credit yet it is still my choice. And it may be that this is all in the past and I need to think of my future, but I need to move and I can’t keep looking back. I let you go, right? Can you let me go, please? Like I said, signing up for a lifetime of Greek holidays is never a bad thing.

Langonisa Meal

Papasok ako ng McDo sa Tottenham Court Road sinisipat ko yung menu board nila. Napa buntong hininga na naman ako. Hay wala yung gusto ko. Langonisa meal ng McDo yan ang gusto kong kainin, kaso wala, milya milya naman kasi ang layo ng McDo intramuros, sa McDo rito sa London. Pinaka malapit sa panlasa ko at sa mga dati ko ng ino-order eh pancake meal.

Can I have one pancake meal please? Mala brit accent kong order sa front crew man ng Mcdo. Two quid sixty five pence mate sagot naman nya, sabay abot ko ng 20 pounds note. Have you got smaller change mate? No unfortunately. Ganting sagot ko.

Habang kinakain ko ang pancake meal ko naalala ko yung med-schl days namin. Kumakain lang ako ng pancake meal sa umaga pag bandang biyernes or malapit na ang pag uwi ko sa aming bahay. Dahil wala ng natitira sa 500 allowance ko weekly non. Kaya imbes na longganisa meal, pancake meal na lang kasi mas mura. Kasabay ko ang mga kasama ko sa dorm non, sila Alyel, Laurence, at Dennis.

Noong hindi na ko nag-do dorm dahil binarikadahan ng swat team ang dorm namin dahil nag-i-squat lang pala ang kasera namin sa lupa ng iba. Parati pa rin akong sumasabay sa mga ka-frat ko na mag-agahan sa McDo intramuros. Syempre dahil uwian na ako, di na ako nauubusan ng allowance kaya everytime na oorder ako ng breakfast meal ang walang kamatayang Langonissa meal ang aking oorderin, me dagdag pang extra-rice pag mejo may exams, dahil nadadalas rin ang exams nadadalas rin ang aking pag-order ng extra fried rice. Kaya pagtapos ng aking second year med-proper lumulobo na talaga ang aking katawan. Halos higit 4 na taon na ang nutrisyon ng aking katawan ay nangagaling sa longanisa breakfast meal, siguro halos lahat ng mga estudyante ng medisina noong panahon namin, ganon din ang routine. Hanggang naka-graduate ako ng medicine at sinumpang di na ako kakakain ng langonisa meal.

Nag-sesentimiyento de asukal na naman ako. Well for one naalala ko na naman ang simpleng buhay ko non sa atin. Si Alyel nga pala yung ka-brod ko na ka-dorm mate ko din nag-training sa London dahil british company yung may ari ng barko na kung saan siya ang ship physician, dinalaw ko sya sa hotel nya at sinamahang mag-sight seeing sa London. Halos 10 oras kaming walang hinto sa paglakad at pagkuha ng mga pictures, hanggang sa napagod at umuwi sa hotel nila, bago ako umalis nag-pa inom si Mokong sukat ba namang orderin ay Cider drink, napangiti ako dahil sabi ko sa sarili ko, nautakan ko siya kasi di naman talaga ako umiinom at buti na lang ang inorder nya ay sukang pinabulok lang at hindi beer. Si Alyel kasi certified sunog baga ito ng dorm namin kasama ni Noel at Edwin, sila ang malakas uminom at mag-yosi.

Pagkatapos naming uminom ng cider umoorder ang mokong ng pizza at spaghetti, mahina pa ring kumain ang aking ka-brod kaya ako pa rin ang umubos ng spaghetti at kalahati ng pizza nya. Tapos nag-aya siyang uminom uli. Sabi ko sa kanya di ako umiinom eh alam mo naman yan, sabi nya inde last na to. Ako na ang pumunta sa bar at umoorder ng San Miguel beer. Di ko inorder ang heineken at guiness kasi me available daw na San Miguel beer, ang kaso not made in the Philippines but made in Barcelona, Spain.

Lumabas kami ng hotel at sa veranda uminom ng san miguel, pag patak pa lang ng san miguel beer sa dila ko, halos parang lumutang ako sa alapaap. Nakalimutan ko ang aking sarili at parang nag-time travel ako. Ang beer na iniinom ko ay hindi made in Barcelona, Spain eto ay made in the Philippines at ako ay sure na sure. Parang eto yung mga T-shirt ng GAP na made in the Philippines na ibinebenta sa Harrods. Tinatakan lang pero sa totoo made in the Philippines. Di naman talaga ako umiinom ng beer pero pag lapat pa lang sa panlasa ko ng beer na hawak ko, naalala ko ang lasa ng mga beer sa atin, na dati ang panlasa ko ay mapait na amoy iheng likido. Ewan ko ba parang ang sarap ng beer na nainom ko ng gabing iyon.

Kinabukasan umuwi na si Aleil pabalik ng pinas, hinatid ko sya sa airport.

On my way home nakakita ako ng McDo at nag-decide na kumain bago umuwi sa aming bahay ko. Pumasok ako sa McDo at nag-order. Can I have one langonisa meal please? Pardon ,at naka tiim bagang na ganting sagot ng front crew man sa akin. I'm sorry I mean I would like to have a pancake meal.

Can I have one pancake meal please? Mala brit accent kong order sa front crew man ng Mcdo. Two quid sixty five pence mate sagot naman nya, sabay abot ko ng 20 pounds note.

At ako ay tuluyang napangiti sa aking maliit na pagkakamali.